Why do they hate me? (Please don’t spell it out…)

July 17, 2006

Some of you might be aware that the people who live in the flat above me are — without wanting to taint your impression of them — loud, inconsiderate, halfwits.  Some of you have even been kind enough to come up to me and tell me how much you’ve enjoyed reading about my misery, and how much amusement you’ve got from it.  For that, I can only thank you.  Through gritted teeth.

So for the last couple of months, I’ve been sleeping with ear plugs in. It’s less than comfortable, but this way you can’t hear their ghastly progeny running round at all times of night whilst wearing clogs. Or the turbofolk. Or the heaven-only-knows-what that-is-but-i’m-just-glad-I’m-not-a-part-of-it.

Anyway, things were going adequately until last night, when the Chav of the House entered at 2am.  I detail his thought processes below.

“What a lovely night I’ve had out on the Stella. It’s far too early to start listeing to Only Fools and Horses again at full volume at 3am like I do every other night of my miserable existance. Perhaps I should wake my girlfriend up to argue about stuff which could perfectly reasonably wait until a reasonable hour.”

15 minutes later…

“Wow – that blazing row was just what I needed. It has, however, really perked up my appetite. I’ll cook something.”

And so it was that last night — a night which necessitated sleeping with the windows open — that I found myself trying to get back to sleep with the overpowering stench of strong onions and what smelled suspiciously like offal combing my nostrils.

For anyone who’s finding this difficut to imagine, try getting to sleep tonight while someone for whom you feel nothing but simmering resentment cooks up a spicy lung omelette in the room next to you. I assure you, it’s not easy.

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6 Responses to “Why do they hate me? (Please don’t spell it out…)”

  1. Lawrence Says:

    ‘Simmering’ resentment? I feel you may have gone slightly beyond that…

  2. Stu Says:

    Doesn’t your snoring generally wake you up first – or do you still manage to sleep through the cacophony?

  3. Mike Says:

    I think the argument must have started ‘Oi, Chavetta, where’s my dinner?’ followed by a GFY from Chavetta. You probably lucky there wasn’t more banging!

  4. MushyMajor Says:

    Forgive me for laughing out loud! What an offal experience…

    The question is though, will the thought of the ‘lung omelette’ put you off meat again a la the Thorpe Park rainbow trout episode?

    Vegebangers. Some things cannot be easily erased from the memory.

  5. Maurizio Says:

    Kneecap him. See if he bothers your sleep again.


  6. […] The quality if my life is constantly being degraded by the actions of others who deliberately target me as the outlet of their spite and misanthropy. A brief list would include c2c, the Eclipse Project, the Anglo-Croat Goodwill Committee, people who insist on walking with their umbrellas up and stabbing me in the face with them even when it’s not raining, and Isaac Newton. Each of these disparate groups have set out with no truck other than to make me miserable. Now, it seems that they are joined in this dispicable crusade by the RFU. […]


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