The better part of valour

August 1, 2006

Well, it turns out I’m a coward. I’d always suspected it, and — to be honest — it’s rather unfulfilling to have found it out.

Tonight, I was mugged.

Walking home from the station, down a particularly badly lit alley, two young ne’er-do-wells jumped out on me, each wielding large samurai swords and demanded the contents of my pockets. By way of background, I’m 6’3″, a fairly handy rugby player, what is known in polite company as “a fuller-figured gentleman” and frequently play off the fact that by virtue of this genetic throw of the dice, I am in some way tougher than your average man. It turns out this is not the case.

The young roustabouts seemed slightly bemused by my insistance that I had spoken to everybody I needed to today, and as such had no need for a mobile phone. That was a lie. They seemed even more bemused by my insistance that no matter what happened, I was not leaving without the book in my hand. Don’t worry, Dom – I’ve still got it. I explained that it was an interesting looking book based there-or-thereabouts on cricket, that it wasn’t mine, and as such I had no desire or authority to give it to them. I offered my copy of the Guardian. Maybe because it was open on the cryptic crossword page, they were scared off. Thank you, Araucaria. I never thought I’d hear myself saying those words… Anyway, after a bit of haggling, I tossed them a pocketful of change.

So I then spent the next few hours at Grays Police Station giving a statement. So if you’re reading, I’ve handed the rozzers a really accurate description of the hoodies you lowlife sh*tbags were wearing. However, the chances of your being able to read are — let’s face it — negligible.

The part of the evening about which I’m most upset is that having signed my witness statement, I was handed a sheet of paper by the very nice, understanding WPC who took my statement. This sheet lays out my rights as a crime victim. Like every male under the age of 35, I am fully aware that I am invincible. As such, I despise any weakness to myself — perceived or actual. How dare these undereducated little tossers defile this belief by rendering me a victim? How dare they render a part of MY TOWN a place which I never dare visit again? How dare they demand objects for which I’ve worked long and hard just so that they can flog them at a car boot sale? How come it’s 1.30 in the morning and I still can’t sleep? Arseholes.

I refuse to be a victim.*

* Although I now am.


7 Responses to “The better part of valour”

  1. Dec Says:

    Under 35? That’s pushing it a bit.

  2. Mattdud Says:

    Sorry to hear about last night. However, you can’t be that much of a coward for telling two chavs with samurai swords that they couldn’t have the book. What if they had been die-hard cricket fans?

  3. ian Rogers Says:

    Muggers can be particularly dumb.

    I was once accosted by three lads on a day out in a carpark who’d attracted my attention with the merry cry of “oi, don’t ignore me unless you want me to take your wallet off you”!

    It was raining at the time and they each had their trousers slung over one shoulder “to keep them dry…”

    Once I’d enquired if they were having a nice day they demanded some money.

    I responded with “Why should I when there’s starving beggers on the street?”

    That had them for a second.

    “You have to earn it. Tell me a story and I’ll give you a quid. Why are you here?” – to which one of them responded with a delightful tale of how they’d just nicked some cider from the offy.

    “Ok” I said, “that earns you a quid” and rummaged in my pocket for change – to which one of the others said “where’s mine”

    “Oh no” I said “you haven’t told me a story”

    Mug no. 2 looked somewhat downfallen by this but now-jovial Mug no 1 responded to his mate with “ah leave him, he’s been a good lad” and the three of sauntered off bearing me a fond farewell…

  4. Sorry to hear about your bad experience and thank you for defending my book at considerable personal risk. Samurai swords, eh? Was it Kevin Costner who mugged you?

  5. Steve P Says:

    Sorry to hear about your misfortune although better a live coward than a dead hero, I’ve never been mugged but have always thought that I’d just shout “he’s behind you” panto style then run away as fast as possible

  6. mushyp Says:

    I have noticed a correlation in the papers between the incidence of “Have-a-go hero” and “Serious but stable”…

  7. Bleiglass Says:

    Sorry to hear, but you have a future in writing. They dont.

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