I am not bending over for that

September 6, 2006

I am not a morning person.

Recent evidence would rather point to me not being much of an afternoon person either. And my evenings have been decidely shoddy recently too. But I digress.

The 40 minutes on the train to work typically involves being party to miscellaneous high-volume halfwittery. Recent favourites include

  • phone conversations to the office concerning which phone conversations to have when they get to the office.
  • an in-depth comparison of the weight of various celebrities (apparently, I tip the scales at around 2.4 Beckhamweight — Victoria, not David).
  • a 35 minute conversation about pies.

Needless to say, I’m not always terribly chipper upon alighting from the train. The very last thing I want to do, then, is to run the gauntlet of the swarms of all-too-happy-if-you-know-what-I-mean automatons in matching T-shirts pushing warm soft drinks, matching shampoo and pool cue sets, and — by far the worst — myriad free “news”papers. If I ever felt a sudden and unexplained urge to read such a  publication, I would be perfectly happy to pick it up for myself. I do not want rows of the literary equivalent of a wet mackerel waved in my face first thing in the morning. I find it hard to completely snub people, so to have to mope for 15m wishing pestilence upon these harbingers of drivel sets me off on a rotten foot for the rest of the walk to the office.

The only exception I would ever make to this principled stance is for the ES Lite. When Satan puts on his thermals because winter’s drawing in, and I feel it necessary to read this tat, I am happy to have that handed to me.  Any newspaper whose selling point is to be just like the Evening Standard, but with even less news in it, simply cannot be worth expending the energy necessary to pick it up.


8 Responses to “I am not bending over for that”

  1. ian Rogers Says:

    I find the free papers are ok if I fancy a quick Sudoko. The new purple one is ok, but the metro one is best done with crayon.

  2. Maurizio Says:

    How many free newspapers do you have now in London?

  3. Always happy to have a 35 minute conversation about pies, so long as we can eat them while we talk.

  4. By the way, isn’t it amusing that Associated Newspapers can conduct vicious anti-immigration campaigns, then employ immigrants to push the propaganda in your face?

  5. mushyp Says:

    I’m not sure about the number of free papers, but without thinking too hard about things, there’s
    London Lite
    ES Lite
    City AM
    The London Paper

    And the Daily Star. People can’t pay for that, surely.

  6. Andrew Yeomans Says:

    I’m pretty sure “ES Lite” died and was re-incarnated after a news-ectomy as “ES Lite”.

    Ian – the Friday Metro sudoku are more worthy. Today’s had a couple of swordfish. The rest of the week rarely beat the 5 minute barrier.

  7. MushyMajor Says:

    The purple one is cack of the highest order. Along the lines of ‘C’ list sleb goes out and gets drunk whilst wearing clothes that are so pony, they wouldn’t be seen dead in unless they cost a fortune.

    Having said that, I haven’t read such self congratulatory claptrap as I did from yesterday’s letters page in The London Paper. In a less than well disguised attempt to be ‘down with the kids’ half the page was sent in via text message, and read along the lines of, “U gys rok, Evng Std is sooooo lame’. Ace. At least the authors can always fall back on their A star English GCSEs.

  8. mushyp Says:

    @Dom: I think Associated Newspapers’ approach is marvellously cunning. What better way to engender dislike of a section of the community than to have them wave ES Lite at you?

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